smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору     A  well  dressed  lawyer  went  into  a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept  mumbling  and  studying something  in  his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then  he  rolled  it  between  his  fingers,  adding,"But  it feels like rubber."      Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"      The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic  and feels like rubber."      The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The  attorney  rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like  rubber,  but  I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"      The drunk replied, "Outa my nose." Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 01:52 28-04-2003

vu1tur Moderator-Saaber Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | ICQ | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору Weird US Laws:   Vermont: It is illegal to whistle underwater. New Jersey: It is illegal to slurp soup. Alaska: It is illegal to a wake a bear for the purpose of photography, although it is legal to shoot a sleeping bear. Virginia: It is illegal for a man to kick his wife out of bed. Arizona: In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse. California: It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. Florida: It is illegal for a single woman to sky dive on Sunday. Michigan: Under state law, dentists are officially classified as mechanics.. Washington: It is illegal to pretend one's parents are rich. Illinois: It is illegal to speak English, the officially recognized language is "American." Всего записей: 3690 | Зарегистр. 01-02-2003 | Отправлено: 02:21 28-04-2003

smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору     With the sun beginning to rise,  the  cabin  of  the  jetliner  was suddenly  illuminated.  "Who  turned  on  the  fucking  lights?"  a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.      The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 03:01 28-04-2003

Ozzie Advanced Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | ICQ | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору -Your r just a babe -Thnx... -In the wood .... Всего записей: 949 | Зарегистр. 18-03-2003 | Отправлено: 15:19 28-04-2003

smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору     "Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told  the  patient  on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately six months to live."      "But  I  don't  have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!"      "All  right,  all  right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, then." Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 22:04 28-04-2003

smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору     Three  women  -  a  German,  a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies  mixed up  somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion the father of the  German  baby  decided  he'd settle  the  problem.  He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He clicked his heels,  raised  his  arm  and  shouted, "Heil  Hitler!"  The  German  baby snapped to attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played in it. Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 07:00 29-04-2003

smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору     Even  though  a  fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pissed, and quickly headed for the door. At  one  of the  sinks  a  Marine  sergeant  was  washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps  they  teach  us  to wash our hands after going to the bathroom."      The fellow stepped back into the  men's  room  and  looked  at  the Marine.  "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!" Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 06:37 30-04-2003

smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору     A  man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought  this  ape  as  a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table  with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."      "But what about the smell?" the friend asked.      "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 06:27 01-05-2003

smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору     Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning,  and  his  best friend  asked  him  how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven  times. The  fourth  night,  six  times.  The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"      "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"      "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 06:25 02-05-2003

vu1tur Moderator-Saaber Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | ICQ | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору - What will ya get if you add 2 apples to 3 apples? - A High School math problem. Всего записей: 3690 | Зарегистр. 01-02-2003 | Отправлено: 14:44 02-05-2003

smirnoff123 Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору vu1tur        A  man  who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with  red lipstick,  and  a  half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and  began  reading.  After  a  few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"      "Mister,  it's  caused  by  loose  living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."      "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.      The priest, thinking about what he had said,  nudged  the  man  and apologized.  "I'm  very  sorry.  I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"      "I  don't  have  it,  Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."   Всего записей: 269 | Зарегистр. 28-03-2003 | Отправлено: 14:51 02-05-2003

Bunker BigGreen Moderator Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору Quaterstaff - четверть посоха Longbow - длинный поклон   а еще был перевод в игре: "Взять в партию гоги?" Всего записей: 1884 | Зарегистр. 02-02-2001 | Отправлено: 03:50 03-07-2003

Akiro Full Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору "good F@#k" и "Luck(y) you"?? так??? ---------- В конце концов, среди концов, найдешь конец ты наконец. Всего записей: 424 | Зарегистр. 29-07-2002 | Отправлено: 01:39 05-07-2003

ProfAn Junior Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору Waw, I see we have here the best brains from our topic only Всего записей: 177 | Зарегистр. 17-08-2003 | Отправлено: 23:01 28-08-2003

Dr_Ammo Full Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | ICQ | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору Er4s3r       Я две минуты валялся на ковре и держался за пузо (честно)!!! А-а-а-а!!! Истерика-а-а-а!!!! У меня слезы-ы-ы-ы!!!   ПыСы: Пора новую тему создавать!!!   ПыПыСы: Ой, я немогу-у-у-у-у-у!!!     *уполз под стол* ---------- ... ИМХО Всего записей: 425 | Зарегистр. 23-09-2002 | Отправлено: 21:43 01-09-2003 | Исправлено: Dr_Ammo, 21:46 01-09-2003

Mamay Advanced Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | ICQ | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору Разговор в IRC на одном забугорном канале:   <andy> who else apart from Hyper is speaking russian? <Flying^DR> me <Flying^DR> also rozhik, yuriy, mamay, Jedy, Vlad <Flying^DR> maybe someone else too <RoBRB> +sasha <RoBRB> total 8 or 9 <Flying^DR> <OzOoN> we have lots of red army members <OzOoN> <Flying^DR> <Flying^DR> not only army, but pyramid also <OzOoN> yep <OzOoN> <render1> <|VlaD|> ds, jackson, vigen can do russian also btw <David> so better to ask who DOESN'T do russian then... ---------- Даже самый дурацкий замысел можно выполнить мастерски Всего записей: 1352 | Зарегистр. 03-09-2002 | Отправлено: 19:38 09-09-2003

Jeime Junior Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору  A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the woman to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.   While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseated you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!" To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" Всего записей: 71 | Зарегистр. 14-04-2006 | Отправлено: 18:23 27-10-2006

Jeime Junior Member Редактировать | Профиль | Сообщение | Цитировать | Сообщить модератору Two guys were attending a party in the woods when, all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it.     They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway. "What do you want?" he asked. "Do you have any tobacco?" asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and he went away. "Go faster!" said the passenger. "I don't want to see him again!"     So, the driver pushed the speedometer to 80 mph.     But soon, the old man appears at the window, again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window, again. "Do you have a light?" said the old man's face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And, the old man went away. "Drive faster!" said the passenger. So, they pushed it to 100 mph.But, ten minutes later, the face returns. "What do you want from us?" screamed the passenger. The old man gently replied, "You guys want some help getting out of the mud?"   Всего записей: 71 | Зарегистр. 14-04-2006 | Отправлено: 22:45 28-10-2006

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